Richard Simmons Goes On The Today Show To Tell The World He's Not Being Held Against His Will In His Own House, Which Means He Totally Is

(Source) Over the weekend, rumors of the disappearance of Richard Simmons hit an all-time high when his former assistant and private masseur came forward to claim that the fitness guru was being held against his will by his longtime maid, and that witchcraft may even possibly be involved. It’s now mysteriously been over two years since Simmons, a once very public figure, has been seen outside of his home.

You know a good way to tell if someone is being held against their will in their own home? When they have to go on the Today Show to tell everyone they’re not being held against their will in their own home. This is like when Jim Caldwell says he’s alive, people that are free to leave their house don’t end up having to publicly refute those claims for the entire country. That’s not how it works Richard. Be honest, was your housecleaner doing the throat slash signal to you while you were talking on the phone? Because from the outside looking in, saying you’re like a married couple with your housekeeper and then telling everyone you wanted to just be a loner for a little while, only hanging out with your maid, seems like you’ve been kidnapped. Like people take it easy for a weekend or two, maybe lay low after you’ve been partying too hard. But no one says, yeah I’m just going to stay in my house for like a year and not contact any of my friends or family. That’s kidnapping brother, you’ve been kidnapped and you don’t even know it. We’ve got a kidnapping and a brainwashing on our hands. No one wakes up one day and decides to actively like the life of a hermit blogger, Richard. That doesn’t just randomly happen. Someone needs to free Richard Simmons, and if we’re being honest, I wouldn’t mind a little SWAT team standoff to spicen up my day, get us closer to the tourney on Thursday.

By the way, the only thing I will say in defense of Richard Simmons here is that I always assumed all Hollywood people did this. They just hit a point in their life/career where they never leave their house again. Sit around with a bunch of outdated art and furniture and relics of their most famous days, almost like a time capsule where they were on the top of world. Smoke long cigarettes, take a bunch of pills, wear weird silk robes, and sometimes lay out next to their pool. That’s Hollywood through and through. Imagine an abandoned boogie nights house where you just chill out for 20 years and then die. Then the creepy maid lives in the house with the dead body for a couple weeks, then she gets arrested and a funeral happens. I thought that was pretty standard for semi-famous people in LA.